So as the weeks wind down in 2017 I sit and reflect on the events of the year. It has been full of ups and a lot of downs. As the year started I had great expectations of how I was going to kick ass and take names. That did not unfortunately happen.
Christmas was a hard time for me, I always struggle with the holidays since my moms passing. I had a personal issue with my grandmother who is in a nursing home, since my mom’s passing it has been a real struggle for her and I to find a ground where we can both get along. I moved her in with me a few years ago thinking that would help and it was a colossal disaster, with a series of events that led her to want to spend the holiday with another family instead of her own. That was a bitter pill for me to swallow and suck it up, to move on and have the fact my own grandmother did not care that she hurt not only me but my son by not spending a holiday with us. Not having my mom is hard enough, and she is gone so she can’t physically be with us, but when your only living relative decides they would rather spend time with someone else is really quite hurtful. And the hurt has pretty much continued since then. She has spoke bad about my husband and myself to others and those people have also turned their backs on me. My husband has been the only person to actually stand up for me, and my mom for that matter, where my grandmother is concerned. She has always been a selfish and self centered person, who has never really given much thought to how she treats other people. So the ones who were supposed to help lift and support me after my mom’s death pretty much have nothing to do with me. These are the same people who were supposed to be “friends’. Even the nursing home where my grandmother lives never calls me with any information, not one word when she falls, has health care plan meetings, or any other information that you would think her power of attorney should know. So basically I gave up, not worth the fight, not worth my mental health or the pain it has caused me for almost a year! Not much you can do when someone purposely makes you out to be a monster when all you have tried to do is make sure they are taken care of and has a roof over their head. And I will not defend myself or treat people the way they treat me, I will just walk away and let things be as they may. I know what I have done and what kind of person I am. If someone wants to unfriend me or replace me with new then be my guest. I do not give a damn, because if you were truly my friend you would stand with me and defend me like my husband has done.
Let’s move on because so much has happened with my grandmother, and people in the situation I could go on for days.. When tax time rolled around, and I filed our taxes, I realized that when I left my former job and cashed out my 401K there were not enough taxes taken out so we were forced to drain our savings to pay taxes and avoid fines and penalties. I was devastated. Thank God for my husband because he handled it like a trooper, me not so much!
Then my husbands company, which I used to work for too, went through some really difficult times. There was a period when they weren’t sure what was going to happen. When it was all said and done it was decided the company was put up for sale and if not sold it would close. After 30 years my husband was forced to face a reality where he was possibly going to be unemployed for the first time since he was able to work. Eventually stores were sold, his being one of them, the rest closed, but the future of the employees was uncertain. So he was unemployed and we had no health insurance, my company does not offer insurance. Luckily, after a few weeks he was contacted by the company and offered a job, and insurance!
Then just a few months ago, the new company I worked for was rocked to its core, and I took on a new role with a lot more responsibility. When it happened it was uncertain if the company would be able to survive, so I was faced with I could lose my job. Not to mention betrayal by someone whom I considered a friend and had confided in a lot through all my struggles throughout the year. Thankfully, we have rebounded and the company is moving forward with new faces in new positions, and I still have more responsibility, which I love, just some days when I leave I am exhausted, which in turn makes me not want to do much of anything let alone, cook or workout.
I have also been dealing with some back issues. A few months ago, when we lost our insurance, I developed this knot in my back which caused a lot of pain in my legs and back which made it hard again to workout.
So here I am November, I’ve gained weight, feel awful, don’t sleep well, depressed, and ready for this year to be over! The holidays are a bittersweet time for me. I miss my mom, and enjoy watching my son, and want to make happy memories for him. So I tend to hold a lot of my feelings in so he doesn’t see me upset and cry. I’m telling you its like an emotional roller coaster like no other, with no end in sight. Some days I feel like I am handling life, and then there are days when it is so overwhelming that I just want to throw in the towel and give up! But then I think of how brave my mom was battling her cancer and I know that I want to make her proud and show my son that no matter how bad or hard life gets that I will always fight and rise to the challenges that are thrown my way.
As I reflect on 2017 I can say it has been one of the hardest years I have had since my moms cancer and passing. So we can only go up from here! Just when it seemed things were getting better, another blow come crashing down.
I am looking forward to the New Year, and all that it has to offer. I am taking my new role at my job head on and going to tackle any challenge thrown my way. I have a new eating plan in place that will hopefully get my energy up and the weight off! I have started my workouts back up and two weeks in I am feeling better and excited to keep moving forward. I have a plan and goals and excited to get moving back in the right direction leaving 2017 where it belongs, in the past. Along with a few other things that for my own sanity and peace of mind are best left in the past. I am one of those people who tend to dwell and stew on the things that I can’t change, and I have always had a hard time letting go. So that’s one of my goals for 2018, learning to let go of the things I can not change…. Onward and upward!!
Here’s to a healthy and fit 2018!