Several weeks ago I made the decision to get back to my blog, start the 21 Day Fix program, and to recommit to a healthy fit lifestyle. I did great for a week, the second week ok, then I got poison ivy and then had an allergic reaction to the steroid. So then depression set in, I have battled this nasty disease my entire life and have had to take medication for it. Several years ago when I committed to my healthy lifestyle and was doing great with my eating and exercise I went off my meds and did fine for several years. I had small bouts with depression but nothing to severe. I learned meditation and breathing that help keep most of they symptoms at bay.
But here in the last several months that ugly beast has reared his ugly head and I have been in severe funk. For no apparent reason. When you suffer from depression there is a chemical imbalance in the brain that can’t be described. Most people who have never had depression have no idea or understand what depression is all about, and its hard for most people to help for that very reason. Most people suffer in silence, because they can’t describe it, they can’t pinpoint a reason for feeling hopeless and sad, its just there looming over your head like a big dark cloud.
So not only did I let myself down by not doing what I set out to do, but I feel like I am a failure as a wife, mother, worker, and coach. I have some personal junk that I have been trying to sort through, to no avail. And I refuse to go back on my meds, for the fact that they aren’t good for me, and I want to get through this on my terms. So here I sit, sorting my thoughts and feeling out on my blog, in hopes that I can perk myself up, get out of this fun, and get back on track. And maybe help someone who has, or is feeling this funk themselves.
Most people can have a perfectly happy life, great job, great family, and friends and it feels like this emptiness is in your soul. No explanation, no reason, no way to determine what to do to fill that hole and get out of that damn darkness. You feel like you can’t talk to anyone, no one will understand, outside looking in looks pretty good, there is no logical reason for the depression.. Snap out of it, or get over it…. I hate that!!
Depression is not something you get over, or snap out of. Its there, constantly looming over your head. And if your like me, you get depressed for being depressed. Seriously, can someone just explain this to me? I have been trying to do just that for the last 20 plus years. Why do I have this? Why do I feel this way? No reason, no warning, just BAM! Smack you in the face, funky depression that makes you not want to get out of bed in the morning. But you do, put on that fake smile, and go though the motions to get through the day, making sure no one is the wiser that you are suffering. Fear that if you do say something, someone will look at you like your mad, because you have no valid excuse for those feelings. There is great pain and suffering in the world, there is a war among races, government parties, and we all need to pull together and make our corner of the world a better place.
Each day I wake up and give thanks for what I have, show gratitude for all life has given me, put on that brave face and go on with my day. I know this too shall pass, I have got through every bout of depression up until now. I know I have so much to be thankful for. I know that my depression does not define me, it is a part of me, one that I have to accept. One that when I get in these type of funks I have to dig deep and push harder to reach my goals. That is what I intend to do. Starting with this post. I am putting it out there, getting it out of my heart. I will take each day and be positive, put positive vibes out there, try hard to make my corner of the world the best possible place.
I am recommitting to my healthy eating and exercise. Recommitting to myself, because in the end, I am the only person who can define my future and make it what I want it to be. So for those of you out there suffering know you are not alone. There are people who understand, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. Do not ever give up, this too shall pass and you and I will be stronger and better because of it.
Stay fit and healthy!