So I have been really digging deep and trying to focus on me these last two weeks. I hate to say that since around Christmas I have been on a roller coaster of emotional depression. I have started workouts and eating well only to stick with it a week or few days and back down the dark hole. Up and down… I gained some weight back and hit the emotional skids when my husband lost his job after 30 years. Just hit after hit it felt like was coming down upon us. Then I sat and thought about all that I have been through these last several years and the depression I was in after my mom’s passing. Her entire illness and death really took a toll on me and completely changed who I was as a person. When I decided to take my health back after her death it was the most exciting, liberating experience. I wanted to not only get fit for myself and family, but I also wanted to help motivate and inspire others as well. That was what I wanted to get back. That feeling that I was doing something for me, and maybe help others along the way.
Now for those who have never experienced debilitating depression, its hard to explain. There are days you can barely motivate yourself to get out of bed and your just going through the motions of life. You just throw food together to feed the family, its not healthy but fast. You find comfort in sugar, which happens to be more addictive than cocaine! You basically could give two shits about anything much less working out and taking care of yourself, most days you don’t even like yourself and are disgusted by the person staring at you in the mirror! I have suffered from depression since I was a kid, having manic episodes quite often. I was put on medication at a very young age and continued well into adult hood. I had to go off when I had my son, then back on shortly after. After my mom’s passing I was self medicating a lot just to dull the pain. Not a good way to get through life, never really facing the emotions. So when I decided to take on a healthy lifestyle that meant giving up the meds as well. I mean have you seen some of the side effects for some of that stuff??? Wow!!
So fast forward to now. Here I am back on the uphill climb from another depressed episode, really wanting to gain my strength back. To come up kicking and screaming saying I will kick ass and take names. I will get fit and healthy mentally as well as physically.
We all have times in our lives when things just don’t go as planned. And we all deal with those things in various ways. Some binge eat, some drink, medications, binge watch TV, whatever you seek comfort in during those times it is never usually healthy. That’s where things need to change. Yet how do we change when all we want to do is lay in bed in our own misery? Or that’s how I feel anyway.
Slowly we get up, get dressed, and show up. Hoping one day something clicks and we know that there is truly light at the end of that dark depressing tunnel we have been stuck in. Light that we will get through the other side stronger and wiser. But knowing that we have to start over again is daunting at best. Trial and error, begin and fail, fall off the wagon to get back on the damn thing! Ugh why do we (I) do this? I know how good taking care of myself feels, I know what the benefits of working out, eating right, drinking water, doing personal development, and meditation are. So why not just continue to do it??? Man if I could tell you the answer to that I would be a millionaire for sure! It’s not that easy to just flip a switch and say fuck you depression I am not going to let you control me this time! If only!
So here I am, week 3 of my new workout Shift Shop, drinking my water, eating relatively healthy.. Yes this girl needs the occasional glass of wine and peanut M&M’s I am by no means a saint of perfection when it comes to my eating. Everything in moderation for this girl. If I gave up my wine I may have to replace it with murder.. LOL.. Just kidding… But there is nothing better than a nice glass of wine, some delicious Chinese food and some binge watching of some good mind numbing television on occasion! The same with you don’t want to go overboard being lazy and eating junk, the same can hold true for being healthy and eating 100% clean all of the time! You have to find that place that you know when your body needs to rest, and when it just needs some chocolate and wine! I can’t begin to tell you how much better I feel in just a few short weeks. I have really been sticking with my workouts, working out with a sore back, so modifying but knowing when to rest and take it easy. Water, does the body good! Man we are made up almost entirely of water so when your body is dehydrated it does not perform as well, and you look tired too. Plus eating well, and making sure you eat 5-6 times a day to keep the metabolism firing and burning. Yep in just two weeks I can tell a huge difference. Plus I have really been working hard on personal development and journaling. My thoughts are crazy sometimes and I get all worked up in my mind so bad sometimes that I have arguments with myself. Seriously??? When I write stuff down and get it out of my head it helps me think through the stuff and not get all worked up and emotional over stuff that quite frankly I need to just let the hell go! It gives me a sense of calm and helps me sleep at night, because on a good night when I am calm and alone, my mind wants to solve all the worlds problems and sleep eludes me for real! Then the next day I am no good for anyone or anything let me tell ya! So journaling helps me immensely with this! I have always been one of those who internalizes all my thoughts and emotions. I have also recommitted to this here blog. I got the domain a few years back and forgot to renew so lost it. Then got it back. So I am going to commit to at least one blog post a week to help with getting all this down and maybe help a person or two who may want knowledge or be going through the same struggle that I am.
I have been through a lot, done a lot, and have seen a lot. I really am considering writing a book this may just be my precursor to doing just that. You know that’s one of my bucket list goals. Goals are another thing I have been working on. I’m 44, almost 45, and have never been a big goal person. These last few years I have made some big changes with my career and have done things I never in a million years thought I would do, like becoming an EMT after being in retail for 27 years! Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks right?
Here is my first blog post, one of many that I am planning to come, one goal to follow through on, write a blog post at least once a week. Goal #2 stick with my workouts, water and eating healthier, remember how good this feels, #3 help motivate and inspire those who may be struggling with the same things as me. There are just a few. Still working on some big scary ones as I write this.
So stay tuned for more to come. My next blog plan is to review my first three weeks of Shift Shop, which I am loving, and hating all at the same time.. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right?
So here is to continued growth, inspiration, and keeping that damn demon depression at bay!

Stay fit and healthy my friends, until next time…..