So I have been a way a while. I have had some serious battles with my depression and some things going on in life that I just can not change, no matter how hard I try. This last year has had a lot of changes for me. From my career, to my husband getting ready to lose his job after 30 years, to some family issues that just have got me down in the dumps. All things that I can not change, and I know worrying about them is not helping matters, or getting me out of my depression. So today I sit here and reflect on all that has happened in my 44 years of existence and every bad moment. What have I noticed? I have survived, and learned from each and every bad, and good moment. Whether I want to admit it or not, every bad decision, or bad thing that has happened has made me who I am, and more grateful for what I have.
After I lost my mom I thought that was the darkest my depression could get, but I think this last 6-7 months has been worse. Just because of the things I am going through, I don’t have the one person who always knew what to say, was not here to give me that advice. The one person who I knew would never hurt me, and who would always be my #1. When you suffer a huge loss, nobody tells you how to deal with the fact that the most important person in your world is gone, not there to turn to in your time of need, not there to offer support, or lend a hand. Its all up to you to make decisions, and work through those tough times. You know that saying “tough times, build tough people”. Man how is that ever true! My mom always knew what to say or do. She was the strongest person I knew, and she went through some of the toughest times.
I watch daily as I struggle with the demons in between my own two ears. One day I tell myself to let shit go, and then the next there I am letting it fester and grow. I was listening to Shaun T’s podcast this morning on my way to work and something resonated with me. He talked about squishing bread and stuffing it in a jar, and then keep on stuffing. Eventually the bread at the bottom will mold and become nasty, that is how it is when you stuff your feelings and emotions down deep. They fester and become moldy and nasty, and only you can open that jar and clean it out. Whether it be having tough conversations, or just letting what has caused you to stuff that nasty stuff down there go. I have never been good at letting stuff go. I have always allowed things to fester down deep and invade my head, which in turn leads to the soul sucking, life stopping depression that makes me not even want to get out of bed in the morning. All you want to do is sleep, and the littlest activity exhausts you. Until you have had depression it is something no one can describe, no on understands, unless they too have suffered from it. Sometimes it is hard for even me to understand the root of it. Today its all that moldy bread (feelings) that I have stuffed down inside so deep that its hard to get it cleaned out. I am going to work hard to get it cleaned out. Its going to take some soul soaking and scraping away of some things, but I know it needs to be done for my own peace of mind.
I need to stand up and quit worrying about the things I can not change. Start taking care of myself, quit worrying about how others treat me, and take my power back! Because really when you give your power away and let all that negativity build up in your mind who wins? It sure isn’t the people who hurt you, they live there rent free because you allow them to by continuing to fester the hurt that was caused. All those feeling stuffed deep down in the soul that from the tip of your head to the tip of your toes is nothing but moldy nastiness. Yes it happened, yes it sucked, but there is no going back, no taking back, no changing what happened. Learn from it, heal from it, forgive, but never forget! Don’t forget the lessons you learned, those are the fiber of your being and mold you into what you want to become. Take lessons from those who treat you poorly on what you do not want to become, I know I have had a lot of those lessons! Take the good from those who show truth, love, and compassion. We all have moments where we feel as if our world is falling apart and we have no control. That is where I have been living these last few months. Like a baby learning to walk, walk a few steps then fall back down only to repeat the process over and over. Our journey through life is all about getting up, falling down, then trying all over again. The thing is we need to remember to always get back up. I have forgot that these past few months, I just fell down and feel like I am being kept from standing up again.
Today is the day I regain my stride, I will get up and walk away from all this, no looking back just forward toward what matters most to me. I have to start with me, the moldy junk that is deep down in that jar. Open it up, let it go, and the stuff that is stuck soak and scrape that gunk out! No more struggling with the things I can not change. I will forgive, but I wont forget, and I will tuck it away and learn from every second of it. Use the things that happen to us as building blocks for a better us tomorrow.
We all have those defining moments in life, good and bad, that we know after they happen that we will never be the same person we were before it happened. So here is to starting a new chapter in my life. Onward, upward, and better than I was before.
Stay fit and healthy and no matter what happens in life never, ever give up!